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MISS NEPTUNE 



B Comedi3 in Zxco Bets 



BY 

REBA KIDDER PARKER 



Copyright, 1914, by Dick & Fitzgerald 



NEW YORK 
DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 Ann Street 



JAM -3 1914 



Q)G!,D 35535 



MISS NEPTUNE. 



CHARACTERS. 

Hugh Bronson Of the Princeton Theological Seminary 

Lester Elliot A lawyer, in love with Margaret 

Jerry Negro janitor of the church and stage driver 

Margaret Cameron Pretty, vivacious, of Scotch parentage 

Mrs. Blunt, a widow An active church worker 

Mrs. Richman A rich widow, in love with Lester Elliot 

Eloise Featherton Sentimental old maid 

Jane Boardman An athletic girl 

Lulu Marsh A shy girl 

Muriel French A gushing girl 

Johnny A country hoy {played by girl) 

NOTE. — It is suggested that at every entrance of Margaret, 
orchestra plays a few bars of " I Love a Lassie." 

Time. — ^The present. Locality. — A country village. 

Time op Playing.— About one and a quarter hours. 



SYNOPSIS. 

Act I.^ — At the station. Awaiting the pastor's arrival. Ac- 
cident of Lester. The new pastor arrives. Margaret recog- 
nizes him. Attentions showered on him by his parishioners. To 
their annoyance he avails himself of the public omnibus. 
Jerry accused. 

Act II. — The pastor's study. Five days later. The invita- 
tions pour in. He tries to prepare his sermon. Besieged on 
all sides. Jerry about to be arrested. His " disposition " 
wanted. The empty purse returned. The confession. Jerry 
exonerated. The new pastor succeeds in finding Miss Neptune, 



Miss Neptune. 



COSTUMES. 

The costumes are modern, according to character portrayed. 

Hugh Bronson. Business suit, straw hat, etc. 

Lester Elliot. Summer suit. 

Margaret Cameron. \ 

Lulu Marsh. !• Pretty summer dresses. 

Muriel French. ) 

Mrs. Blunt. Soft black dress. 

Mrs. Richman. Motoring costume, goggles, etc. 

Jane Boardman. Short skirt, tan shoes, sweater around 
neck, no hat, shirtwaist, with mannish stock. Act II. Streefe 
dress. 

Eloise Featherton. Old fashioned funny costume. She 
carries a shawl. 

Jerry. Act I. Shabby suit. Act II. Dilapidated frock 
coat, old silk hat. 

Johnny. Dusty, ragged clothes. Dirty face. 



INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES. 

Dog for Jane Boardman. Pitcher covered with napkin for 
Lulu. Covered market basket for Muriel. Apple and peanuts 
for Johnny. Letters, memorandum book, pipe, for Hugh. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

As seen by a performer on the stage facing the audience, r. 
means right hand; l., left hand; c, center of stage; c. d., 
center door in rear flat ; l. d., left door ; r. d., right door ; l. c, 
left of center. Up means toward back of stage; down, to- 
ward footlights. 



MISS NEPTUNE. 



ACT I. 



SCENE. — A country railroad station. Septemter. Doors at 
c, DOWN R. and l. Ticket office diagonally in upper r. 
corner. Slot machine hetween c. d. and ticket office. 
Window L. of c. d. Clock r., mirror l. Benches c, r. 
and L. of stage. Signs, time taUes, lost and found notices, 
etc., on walls. 

ENTER Jane Boardman l. d., ivith dog on a chain. 

Jane {looks at clock). Well, Buster, in half an hour the 
sensation will arrive — the new young minister. We'll look 
him over as he gets into the stage, eh, boy? They say he's 
a real man, and not a mere gospel shark. Buster, how can 
a preacher be a natural man when he's trying to be an un- 
natural saint? (Lulu Marsh opens r. d. and seeing Jane, 
quickly shuts it again) Hello! (Lulu opens door again) 

Lulu {at door. Timidly). I did not know anyone was 
here. You startled me. 

ENTER Lulu r. d., trying to hide behind her a pitcher cov- 
ered with a napkin. 

Lulu {hesitatingly) . I just came to see what time it was. 

Jane. I understand. Well, it's about half an hour short 
of the crucial moment, so we might as well sit down. 

Lulu. I guess I am tired. (Lulu and Jane sit l. front set- 
tee. Lulu puts pitcher at her left. Jane sits r. of Lulu) 

Jane. Look out. Buster! Don't touch that precious pit- 
cher — an offering on the altar of friendship — libation to the 
gods — eh, Lulu? {Goes to windoiv) 

Lulu {looking confused). I don't know what you mean. 

Jane. And here's Muriel coming. {Goes down r. c.) She 
must want to see the clock too. 

5 



6 Miss !^^eptun6. 

ENTER Muriel French l. d., carrying a small covered mar- 
ket hasket. 

Muriel. Why, hello girls! I suppose you came down to 
welcome Mr. Bronson. So did I. I think he's fine. You 
know I met him when he was a candidate, and I am so glad 
he is coming here. (Goes to mirror to straighten hat) 

Jane {indifferently) . Why, do you like him? 

Muriel. Oh, I admire his character so. 

Jane. Why, Muriel? 

Muriel. His hobby is foreign missions, and he was just 
crazy to go to China, but his mother hated to have him go so 
far away, so he gave up the desire of his life to please her. 

Lulu. That is why Mrs. Blunt told the congregation they 
ought to have him. She is so interested in the work of for- 
eign missions. 

Jane. I've noticed that Margaret Cameron and foreign 
missions constitute her complete range of subjects for con- 
versation. 

Muriel, Well, she works like a dog for the church, and 
who could help talking about Margaret. Everybody in Gren- 
ville thinks she is perfectly dear. 

Lulu. I've missed her dreadfully all summer since she 
has been in Nantucket. (Lulu crosses to window) 

Muriel. I guess Lester Elliot could second that remark. 

Jane. Although he has consoled himself quite often with 
Mrs. Richman. 

Lulu. That stingy woman? 

Jane. I don't believe she is stingy. I believe she does a 
lot of charitable work secretly. 

Muriel. Well, Lester Elliot has been at Margaret's heels 
for years and years, and I suppose he needs a little sympathy 
when she goes away. 

ENTER Johnny r. d. Has an apple in pocket. Ooes to slot 
machine up r., ivhistling. 

Jane. Hello, Johnny, did you come to meet the new min- 
ister? 

Johnny (getting out peanuts). Nope. (Stuffs them into 
his mouth) 

Muriel (holding out hand). Give me a peanut, will you? 

Johnny (takes apple from pocket and bites it). Nope. 
(Goes c.) 



Miss ITeptune. 7. 

Lulu. I thought Mr. Elliot would meet Mr. Bronson with 
his new horse and runabout. 

Johnny (icalking down k.). Had an accident. 

MUKIEL \ 

Jane (. Accident? 

Lulu ) 

MuEiEL. What happened? 

Jane. Is he hurt? 

Lulu. What? 

Johnny {at extreme l., over his shoulder). Got his trace 
broke. 

Jane (crosses l., jerJcs arm as he is in the act of taking an- 
other hite). Tell us all about it, and stop eating. 

Johnny. Ain't nothin' to tell. He broke his trace on Bearce 
Hill an' that's all. {Makes a face at her, and runs out l. d.) 

Jane. Well, I'm going out to investigate. Come on. Bus- 
ter. {Starts toward r. d.) 

Lulu. I guess I'll go with you and get some fresh air. 
(EXIT Jane and Lulu R. d. Noise of an approaching motor 
is heard) 

ENTER Mrs. Richman, l. d. 

Mrs. Richman. Oh, Muriel, have you seen Jerry? (Crosses 
r., hrushing off dust and removing goggles) Ugh! How 
dusty it is motoring to-day. Mr. Elliot wanted him for some- 
thing important. By the way, I wonder why Lester is not 
here to meet our new dominie? 

Muriel (at l. ) He was detained by an accident. 

Mrs. R. Accident! (Showing agitation) What is it? Is 
he hurt? 

Muriel. I believe not. His trace broke. 

Mrs. R. (showing relief). Where? 

Muriel. On Bearce Hill. 

Mrs. R. (smiling). Oh, I must go right over, and see if I 
can help him. (Qoes to l. d.) I'll return soon and take Mr. 
Bronson up to the manse in my car. Good-bye. (Noise of 
motor off stage) [EXIT l. d., hurriedly 

ENTER Margaret c. d. Muriel does not see her. 

Margaret (at c. Sees Muriel). You look as though you 
were posing for a picture — subject (Teasingly) "Awaiting 
my Fate." 



8 Miss Neptune. 

Muriel. Well, what are you doing here, " Saucy? *' 

Mabgabet. I just came along to see if I were a good 
prophet, and I was! 

Muriel. How is that? {Going down l.) 

Margaret (c). Well, you are in the station, Jane and 
Lulu are on the platform, Eloise Featherton is jogging along 
in her buggy, and every parlor window in Grenville has a 
female waiting to see, hear or shake hands with the minis- 
terial victim. 

ENTER Jane and Lulu r. i>. 

Lulu. I'm so glad Mr. Elliot is not hurt. 

Jane (seeing Margaret). Behold the latest convert to 
Bronsonism! (r. c.) 

Margaret. No indeed ! I have only been counting the sheep. 
I am no longer one of the flock. 

Lulu {at r.). What do you mean? 

Margaret. I have resigned from the Sunday School, the 
Missionary Society, the Ladies' Aid, the Christmas Entertain- 
ment Committee and everything else except church member- 
ship. 

Muriel. Why, Margaret, we can't get along without a 
worker like you. 

Margaret. Oh, yes, you can. I only worked hard because 
dear old Mr. MacDougall inspired me. I'm sure Hugh Bron- 
son is a young prig, and I simply intend to keep out of his 
way. {Goes up r.) 

Muriel. And you won't stay and meet him, and find out 
he isn't the least bit of a prig? {Goes up c.) 

Margaret. I would not be here when that train arrives 
for {Pause) "A' the siller in Edinburgh." {Going down l. c.) 

Jane. Perhaps you have discovered that " Absence makes 
the heart grow fonder." Perhaps our "Rising young law- 
yer" has influenced your resignation, eh Margie? {Goes up 
to window. Muriel goes down r.) 

Margaret. Never ! You girls might just as well stop specu- 
lating about that. I never was engaged to Lester Elliot, and 
I never will be, and if any of you girls want him, take him, 
and earn my lasting gratitude. 

Lulu (a* r. c). Why Margie, you didn't talk like that last 
June. (Jane goes down l.) 

Margaret i,c.). Perhaps with not so much emphasis. Les- 
ter is a nice lad, but I met a man this summer who sweg^ 



Miss Neptune. 9 

me off my feet. A man of great vitality, virile and yet ten- 
der, masterful and yet chivalrous, with a brilliant mind, en- 
riched with poetic understanding, — a practical worker, but a 
persistent idealist — 

Jane. Hear! Hear! Are you open to congratulations? 

Margaret. Hardly. (Laughing) I don't even know his 
name, and shall probably never see him again (Sighs) "Till 
a' the seas gang drv." 

Muriel. But how can you know him so well when you are 
not even acquainted? 

Margaret. I was out swimming alone one day, and my 
amphibious disposition made me too venturesome. I was 
caught in a current and was being carried out to sea when 
he rescued me in a small sailboat. 

Lulu. How thrilling! 

Margaret. It was rather. But we became so interested 
in talking about everything under the sun that we never 
reached personalities, and while I tried to discover his iden- 
tity afterwards, I failed. 

Jane. He must have been a wonder. 

Margaret. He was. In fact, I think he was a Triton, and 
not a flesh and blood man after all. 

Lulu. How you talk! 

Margaret. Just midsummer madness, Lulie! By the way, 
I wonder where Mrs. Blunt is? (Goes up to window, followed 
by Lulu) 

Muriel. It is strange she is not here, considering her de- 
votion to tlie ninister's pet subject — forcisrn missions. 

Jane. Yes, she ought to be here to tell him just what to 
preach about next Sunday. 

Margaret. Well, she is a dear soul, anyway. (Looks at 
clock. Rapidly) "Mycertie! ( Goes down l. c. ) The exciting 
moment is almost here. I'll be stepping. (Goes l.) Perhaps 
I'll meet Mrs. Blunt on the way. Sorry I can't induce any of 
you to come along. (Laughs) Fsirewelh (A^ l, d.) Don't kill 
him with the milk of human kindness. [EXIT l. d. laughing 

NOTE. — Ticket window opens noiselessly. 

Muriel (c). Well, I don't believe in falling in love with 
a myth. If I were Margaret, I would take a short cut to 
matrimony, and accept Lester. 

Lulu (at window). Look here and see who is coming! 
(Girls rush to window) 



10 Miss Neptune. 

MuEiEL. It is Eloise Featherton in that rickety old buggy 
to escort the minister to the manse. 

Jane. Oh, Lord! What a get up! Don't bark at it, Bus- 
ter. 

ENTER Eloise Feathebton c. d. 

Eloise. Oh, girls ! I thought Dobbin would never get here 
in time. We couldn't let Mr. Bronson take the stage — ^so in- 
hospitable, you know. (Goes to mirror) 

Jane (at b.). He might get there quicker. 

Eloise (mysteriously). He might not want Jerry to drive 
him in the stage if he knew. 

Girls. What? 

Eloise (Reckoning to girls). My dears! It is most excit- 
ing news. They say that last Sunday Mrs. Bichman left her 
gold purse in her pew and that Jerry stole it! 

Lulu. How dreadful! i 

Jane. I don't believe it! 

MuBiEL ( at window ) . Look, who is coming now, and the 
train is due. (All rush to window) 

Eloise. It's Mrs. Blunt and Margaret. 

Lulu. Margaret ! 

Jane. Mrs. Blunt is limping and leaning on Margaret's arm. 
(Noise of approaching train is heard) 

Muriel. And here comes the train. 

ENTER Margaret and Mrs. Blunt c. d. 

Muriel. Why, Margaret! (Sound of voices of Mrs. Rich- 
man, Hugh Bronson and Lester Elliot off stage) 

Margaret. "The best laid schemes o' mice and men gang 
aft a-gley." 

ENTER Mrs. Rich man, Hugh Bronson and Lester 
Elliot, l. d. 

Mrs. Rich man. You must let me take you up in my car. 
(Goes to c. D. Elliot and girls how. Elliot at extreme l. 
tvatches Margaret) 

Muriel (at l. c. goes forward and shakes hands with Hugh 
Bronson). I am so glad to see you, Mr. Bronson. 

Hugh Bronson. Miss French, I bielieve. 

Muriel. And I want you to meet my friends, Miss Boardman 
jind Miss Marsh. (Jane and Lulu down 9.) 



Miss Neptune. 11 

Hugh (crosses b., shakes hands with them). A great pleas- 
ure to meet my congregation so soon. I appreciate the kind 
attention. 

Mrs. Blunt (going down c). I fell down hurryin' here 
to welcome you. (Shakes hands) I would have missed you if 
this dear child had not helped me. Miss Cameron — Mr. Bron- 
son. (They shake hands, Hugh crossing to c.) 

Hugh. It was indeed kind of you both, but (Turning r. to 
Mrs. Blunt) tell me, are you much hurt? 

Margaret (aside). My Triton. 

Mrs. B. Dear no ! Just a slight wrench in my rheumatic 
ankle. 

Hugh. I am glad it is nothing serious. (Turning l. to 
Margaret) I met you in Grenville during my last visit, did I 
not? 

Margaret. Oh, no! I have just returned from the sea- 
side. 

Hugh. Strange ! I thought we had met before. 

Eloise (at R. Interrupting). We have never met before, 
Mr. Bronson, but I must shake hands with you. Perhaps I 
could drive you to the manse. 

Hugh. Thanks, but — 

Lester Elliot (l. c). I hoped to take you in my run- 
about, but my trace broke on the way. 

Mrs. R. (l.). I asked you first to come along with us. 

Jane (at ivindow). Here is daddy with his trotter " Star 
Pace." You had better come with us in the road wagon, eh 
Buster? 

Hugh. You are all so kind, but I won't deprive the stage- 
driver of his fare. Will you all excuse me? 

Mrs. R. J 

Eloise \ (disappointedly). Oh! (Hugh moves up stage) 

Jane ) 

Jerry (opening c. d.). All aboard! 

Lulu (going up). I hope you like chicken broth? I am 
going to leave it at the manse for your supper. I was afraid 
Eliza would only make tea. 

Muriel. And I shall go with her and leave some of our 
grapes for your dessert. (Opening hasket) 

Eloise. But you must wrap this shawl around your knees 
(Suiting the action to the word) in that draughty stage. 

Jane. And here is a footstool. (Laughing and holding out 
Buster) 

Hugh (looks helpless. Comedy 'business). Thank you all, 



13 Miss Neptune. 

I shall accept your gifts with pleasure, except the footstool. 
(Patting Buster; to Jane) I could not think of robbing you 
of such a treasure. (Turns and looks at Margaeet. Elliot is 
gazing at Margaret and Hugh who are absorbed in each 
other) 

Mrs. R. (l.). Lester! 

Lester (aside). They have met before. 

Hugh. Good-bye, until we meet again! (Margaret holds 
pose. Mrs. R. at l. d., Lester gazes at Margaret) [EXIT c. d. 

GiELs (following Hugh out). Good-bye. (Margaret gazes 
after them, smiling) [EXIT Jane, Eloise, Muriel, Lulu c. d. 

Lester (aside). She must love him to smile like that! 

Mrs. R. Aren't you coming, Lester? (Touching his arm, 
Margaret turns her head confused) 

Lester (holding pose). Yes. (Turning l. and speaking 
vehemently) I will go with you anywhere, now. 

[EXIT Mrs. R. and Lester l. d., quickly 

Mrs. B. (at l. c). Are you dreamin'. Lassie? 

Margaret. Yes, do dreams ever come true? 

ENTER Eloise r. d. 

Eloise. Oh, what do you think, what do you think? They 
say Jerry is going to be arrested for stealing Mrs. Richman's 
purse. 

Mrs. B. What! (Excitedly). Is that true? 

Margaret (r.). Not dear old Jerry. 

Eloise. Well, I heard it in front of the Court House, so I 
just guess it is. 

Mrs. B. Come, Margaret, help me to get to the Court House 
at once. I shall not permit honest Jerry to be arrested. 

Eloise. You know what the old darkey himself said when 
caught with a chicken under each arm. " Well, you know, 
niggers will steal, sah, niggers will steal." 

Margaret. But not Jerry. 

Eloise (goes r.). My dear, I always see eveiybody go in 
and come out of church. I saw Mrs. Richman go out,- and 
then Mrs. Blunt came last. Nobody was left but Jerry, 
(Dramatically) and he had to lock the organ right next to 
Mrs. Richman's pew ! 

Margaret. But there must be some mistake. 

Mrs. B. (significantly). There is! there is! 

Eloise. How can you prevent his arrest? 



Miss Neptune. 13 

Mrs. B. I don't know, but I will. What, lock up an inno- 
cent man in jail? Never! I'll make them arrest me before 
Jerry shall go to prison! 

CURTAIN. 



ACT II. 



SCENE.-^HuGH Bronson's study. Five days later. Doors c. 
and L. Book-cases up r. and l., also against l. wall. Re- 
volving book-case l. Fireplace down r. Desk and revolv- 
ing chair r. Telephone, pipe, writing material, memoran- 
dum hook, etc. on desk. Easy chair r., chairs r. and l. 
Photo on mantel. DISCOVERED Hugh Bronson at desk, 
writing. Old fashioned clanging hell rings off stage and 
postman's whistle is heard. 
Hugh. Oh, why does a minister's maid-servant seek diver- 
sion on Saturday nights? (EXITS c. d. and RETURNS with 
mail. Goes to desk and opens letter). Invitation to dine, Miss 
Marsh. {Opens another) Ditto, Miss Boardman. (Opens 
another) Hum! still another. Miss French. I shall have in- 
digestion if I keep on dining at this rate. (Opens another) 
Invitation to supper, by way of variety, Mrs. Richman. (Opens 
another) May she be honored by Mr. Bronson's accepting an 
invitation to drive. Miss Featherton. Well, " The fly that sips 
treacle is lost in the sweets." (Opening another) What's 
this ? Hum ! A personal letter from Andy Milton, new sec- 
retary of the Board of Foreign Missions of this State. (Read- 
ing letter) "Dear Hugh: — I have just received, postmarked 
Grenville, an anonymous letter containing $25.52, for the cause, 
and thought it might interest you, as your church is the most 
active in the work in your town. Look out for your modest 
philanthropist! With best wishes for your success. Sin- 
cerely" — (Opening another) And what is this? (Looking at 
signature) Mrs. Blunt, with an enclosure. (Looking at 
enclosure) Enclosure signed " Margaret Cameron. Her res- 
ignation from the church societies. (Looking at Mrs. Blunt's 
letter) Mrs. Blunt urges me to persuade Miss Cameron to 
change her decision. (Turning to fireplace) Now, how am I 
to do that? (Turning to desk) Well, I must write this ser- 
mon. (Writes hurriedly for a moment. Turns to fireplace) 



14 Miss Neptune. 

Strange how that girl's voice rings in my ears, and her face 
continually comes before me. {Provoked) I can't seem to 
keep my mind on my subject. I say to myself (Margaret's 
music heard faintly off stage) "Margaret Cameron" "Mar- 
garet Cameron " in the most ridiculous way. {Door-hell rings) 
Another interruption ! When will to-morrow's sermon be writ- 
ten? {Opens c. D.) 

ENTER Jerby c. d. 

Hugh. Good evening, Jerry. 

Jerry. 'Sense me, Marse Bronson, I knocked at de back do' 
but nobody done come, so I had de effrontery to ring de bell. 
Please to 'sense me. 

Hugh. Well, what can I do for you? {Bits at desk) 

Jerry (c). Well, I see you is mos' particularly busy, a 
sermon, I suppose, sah. 

Hugh. Yes, to-morrow's sermon on Foreign Missions. 

Jerry. Lordy, Marse Bronson, why don't dey jus' religion- 
ize de folks in dis yeah country? 

Hugh. Because we have so many benefits as christians, 
we want to share them — to teach those, who know nothing of 
the bible, how to live. 

Jerry. But Miss Featherton done tol' me dose folks in 
China are very honest critters, never steals nothin', never 
gets drunk and behaves pretty tolable well. 

Hugh. Yes, they have a good many fine traits. 

Jerry. Well, dey is a good many Christians in dis yeah 
country, sah, dat ain't as good dat-a-way as dese heatheners. 
{Telephone on desk rings) 

Hugh {taking receiver). Hello! Good evening, Mr. Elliot. 
Yes indeed. Come right along. In half an hour you say. All 
right, good-bye. {Puts up receiver) Well, Jerry, what did you 
want to see me about? 

Jerry. 'Sense me, Marse Bronson, but do you know any- 
thin' 'bout bein' 'rested? 

Hugh {laughs). Not from actual experience. 

Jerry {laughs). Haw! Haw! I guess not. But Marse Elliot 
says I'se gwine ter be 'rested, an' I don' quite understan'. 

Hugh. Why are you going to be arrested? 

Jerry. Well, Marse Elliot says I done stole Mrs. Rich- 
man's pocket-book with a heap of money in it outen her pew 
las' Sunday mawnin'. 

Hugh {earnestly). Well, did you? 



Miss iTeptune. 15 

JEBEY. No sah, I suttinly did not, sah. My mother always 
tor me nebber to steal notMn' cos you is always right sure 
to get found out. Well, I'm found out, but I jus' natchelly 
never did de stealin'. 

Hugh. Can you prove your innocence? 

JEEEY. I don' exactly know, sah. But I'se awful tired run- 
nin' dat stage, an' takin' care of dis yeah church. I reckon 
de or jail would be about de nex' bes' place to de cemetery fo' 
a good rest. 
_ Hugh. What does Mr. Elliot say? 

jEEEY. Marse Elliot say I'se gwine to be 'rested an' brung 
to de Court House Monday mawnin' fo' trial, an' he wants my 
disposition befo' dat time. 

Hugh. Oh, your deposition, you mean. 

jEEEY. Yas, Marse Bronson, yas sah, an' I thought mebbe 
you-all would condescend to help me with the wordin' of this 
yeah disposition. I can do de writin' I guess, sah, but I hasn't 
got de ejucation fo' de wordin', I reckon. 

Hugh (rising). Well, sit right down here, Jerry, where the 
writing materials are, and I will help you. 

jEBEY. Lordy, Marse Bronson, ef I sit in dat holy chair, 
I'se sho' gwine free to heaven. 

Hugh (c). Well, sit down then. Faith probably will get 
you there. 

jEEEY {swinging around in revolving chair, getting up and 
sitting doicn again). I'se learned de firs' part by heart. {Busi- 
ness trying to write) I, Jeremiah Johnson, bein' of soun' min', 
mem'ry and understandin', do hereby declah that, — Now, what 
do I declah, sah? 

Hugh {sits l. laughing). You're not writing your will, eh 
Jerry? 

jEEEY {smiling). No sah! I don' s'pose I'll done get electr'- 
cuted, anyway. 

Hugh. Well, you had better fix it up right for Mr. Elliot 
like this, — " I, Jeremiah Johnson, of full age, being duly sworn, 
according to law, on my oath, do depose and say, that I did 
not steal the pocket-book 

jEEEY. I, Jeremiah Johnson of full age, bein' duly sworn, 
accordin' to law, on my oath, do depose an' say that I did not 
steal the pocket-book 

Hugh. Left in Mrs. Richman's pew 

jEEEY. Lef in Mis' Richman's pew 

Hugh. And furthermore 

jEEEY. And, futhermore 



16 Miss Neptune. 



Hugh. That I have no knowledge- 
Jerby. Dat I'se no knowledge- 



HuGH. Regarding its disappearance. 

JEREY. Regardin' its dis'ppearance. Signed, Jeremiah John- 
son. Witness — (Looking toward Hugh.) 

Hugh. I will witness it. (Crosses e., sits at desk, looks at 
paper) I see you believe, with Roosevelt, in phonetic spelling. 

JEEEY. Yas, Boss. I sho' is a Bull Moose. 

Hugh (signing). There! You can leave it here until to- 
morrow evening after church. I will have a talk with Mr. 
Elliot in the meantime, and see what can be done. 

Jeeby (going to c. d.). Thank you, sah, thank you. I s'pose 
my old mule would miss me consid'able if I left her and went 
into de jail. My fambly is all daid, sah. 

Hugh. Well, good night, and good luck to you, and, (Smil- 
ing, and holding out his handkerchief) tie that around the in- 
side of my door-bell as you go out, will you? 

jEEEY. Haw! Haw! I suttinly will, sah, yes sah. 

Hugh (as Jeeey is going out). Oh, Jerry, just leave that 
handkerchief in the hall for future use, I forgot about Mr. 
Elliot. 

Jeeey (at c. d.). Haw! Haw! Very well, sah, yas sah. 

[EXIT c. D. 

Hugh (writes hurriedly for a moment. Bell icings. Holds up 
one page). One page of to-morrow's sermon. (Tearing it up. 
Walking up stage) I shall have to turn to my sermon " bar- 
ren " (Indicating files in revolving hook-case) Well, what is 
every sermon but old truth in a new dress? i Opens c. d.) 

ENTER Mueiel and Lulu c. d. 

GiELS. Good evening! 

Hugh (shaking hands). Oh, how do you do. Miss French. 
Pleased to see you, Miss Marsh. Won't you sit down? 
Mueiel e. c. Hugh c. Lulu l. 

Mueiel. Well, I don't believe we have time. We came to ask 
a favor. 

Hugh (goes to desk). Well, please be comfortable while 
you ask it. (Oirls sit. Muriel r. c. Lulu l.) 

Lulu. But you appear to be very busy. 

Hugh. Oh, well ! My time belongs to my congregation. That 
work can wait, (Aside) as usual. 

Mueiel. Mrs. Blunt has sent word that she cannot take her 
class to-morrow, and asked one of us to substitute. 



Miss Neptune. 17 

Lulu. I should be frightened to death, 

MuEiEL. You see it is a grown-up class to which we belong, 
and neither of us feel competent to lead the discussion, so we 
thought perhaps you would help us. 

Hugh (smiling). I believe, like Miss Marsh, "I should be 
frightened to death." 

Lulu. But you are accustomed to public speaking. 

Muriel (smiling). You must have talked to girls before, 
at college teas and on vacations. (Lulu walks up l.) 

Hugh, -" Talked " — yes, but not " taught." They generally 
taught me. (Bell rings) 

Hugh. Excuse me. (Rises. Goes to c. d.) Eliza is gregari- 
ous this evening. (Opens door) 

ENTER c. D. Eloise, who comes hustling in quickly. 

Eloise (shaking hands). So glad to find you in. (Lulu goes 
DOWN R. Muriel down l.) Oh, how do you do, girls! I want 
to see you very especially, Mr. Bronson. 

Hugh (r. c). Indeed! A private matter? 

Eloise. Not exactly. 

Muriel. Don't ask us to go before Mr. Bronson has given 
us his ultimatum. 

Eloise (to Muriel). Well, my business is merely a ques- 
tion. (To Hugh) The Foreign Mission Society meets at my 
house Monday evening, and I want to know if you won't be 
the guest of honor and make an address? 

Lulu. How nice that would be! 

Hugh. Indeed it will give me great pleasure to do so. 

Eloise. I am so pleased, — in fact, positively flattered. 
(Ogling him) You will come at seven- fifteen sharp, will you? 

Hugh (takes out memorandum hook and writes). Seven- 
fifteen sharp. 

Eloise. And now I'll run away and let you girls monopolize 
this poor, tired man. Good-bye, girls! (Goes up. Looks sen- 
timentally at Bronson) Good-bye! [EXIT c. d. 

Lulu. (r. c). Why, the Foreign Mission Society begins at 
seven-forty-five. (Bronson goes down r.) 

Muriel. Beware, beware, Mr. Bronson! If Eloise Feather- 
ton has a half hour tete-a-tete with you, you are in danger of 
a suit for breach of promise. 

'HxiGTL (laughing). You don't mean it? Perhaps I am already 
engaged. 

Lulu (disappointedly). Oh, really? 



18 Miss Neptune. 

Hugh. Oh, I am not committing myself. I don't believe in 
taking the general public into my private confidence, you know. 

MuKiEL ( crosses e. ) . Well, if you aren't going to tell us your 
secrets, perhaps you will at least give us an answer and we will 
leave you to finish your work. 

Hugh. Your call has been an oasis in a desert of labor. 
Please interrupt me again, and you may count on me at the 
Sunday School to-morrow. 

Lulu, Oh, thank you. (Goes up stage) 

MuEiEL, It is awfully good of you. We will promise to be 
on our best behavior. (Goes up) 

Hugh (up c). It will be more of an ordeal than taking my 
ordination test, but I am "game." (Bell rings) 

MuEiEL. You seem to be receiving to-night. 

Hugh. You and Miss Marsh had better act as a committee 
and assist me. 

Lulu. Oh, no. (Drawing hack) 

MUEIEL. Oh, yes. (Takes Lulu's arm, crosses L. and moves 
DOWN a little) 

Hugh (opens c. d.). Come right in, Miss Boardman. 

ENTER Jane c. d. 

Jane. Good evening. (To girls) Oh, hello! 

MuEiEL. We are just going. Mr. Bronson is besieged by 
females this evening. 

Jane. Well, I have " Bearded the lion in his den " for an 
altruistic purpose. (Goes r. Hugh up c.) 

MuEiEL. Our motives, and I fear those of Miss Featherton, 
were not on such a high moral plane. 

Lulu (at door). We will not detain you any longer. 

MuEiEL. No, we will leave "The Lion and the Mouse." 
(Laughs) 

MUEIEL I ^^^'^ ^isht. 

Jane ^ 

Hugh [ ^^^^ night. (Hugh goes down c.) 

Jane (sits in chair hy fireplace) Mine is an errand of 
mercy, Mr. Bronson. 

Hugh. Yes? 

Jane. I have been aggressive enough to seek your influence 
with Mr. Eliott in Jerry's behalf. 

Hugh (sitting in desk chair). My sympathies are already 
enlisted for Jerry, 



Miss Neptune. 19 

Jane. That's good. Well, all I want for him is fair play. 

Hugh. And you shall have it, if my influence counts for 
anything. I am expecting Mr. Elliot this evening to discuss 
the matter. 

Jane (rising). Thank you so much. (Looks at mantel) 
Jerry is is an honest old dear, and I feel sure he did not steal 
that pocket-book. 

Hugh. The evidence is only circumstantial so far. 

Jane. That is just the point. (Picks up photo on mantel) 
Pardon me, but what a charming pose this girl has! May I 
examine it? (Goes down a little) 

Hugh. Certainly. (Aside. Annoyed) Confound it! 
(down c.) 

Jane. A pity one can't see her face. She is so graceful, I 
am sure she must be pretty. And what a pretty bathing suit 
too! I wish I could dive like that. (Teasingly) Your taste is 
excellent. Don't blush. I can't resist the temptation of look- 
ing on the back, '* Miss Neptune," the girl I left behind me, I 
suppose ? ( Smiling ) 

Hugh. Oh, she left me far behind when it came to diving. 

Jane. I am glad she is real and not just a fancy picture. 
But I fear the Grenville girls will be jealous of "Miss Nep- 
tujie." (Replaces pJioto.) 

Hugh. You are "rigging" me, Miss Boardman. (Aside) 
Hang her curiosity! (down e.) 

Jane. I see where the female population of Grenville will 
begin to take swimming lessons. 

Hugh. I hope I may be chosen as teacher. 

Jane (shakes her finger at him). What would "Miss Nep- 
tune" think of that speech? (Crosses l.) It would be her 
turn to be jealous. 

Hugh. Not at all. (r.) " Miss Neptune " and I are not even 
friends. 

Jane. Dear me, what a relief! I shall tell your adorers 
that there Is still hope. (Goes up l.) 

Hugh. You are kind. But seriously, I hope to prove one 
kind of a life preserver here, although not on the sea of matri- 
mony. 

Jane (seriously). Well, I do not doubt you will succeed in 
your work. (At door) Thanks for your encouragement 
(Laughs) about Jerry, I mean. Good night. 

Hugh. Good night, Miss Boardman. (EXIT Jane c. d. 
Hugh goes down e., places photo, on desk. Lights pipe). Yes 
my little water nymph, we are not even friends because I 



2Q Miss Neptune. 

shall always be your lover, even though our paths may never 
cross again. (Sighs) I dare say I am a sentimental idiot, but 
next summer I shall resume my search. I shall never rest until 
I have found you, until I have learned if you are free. (Bell 
rings) Good night little sweetheart. (Puts photo, in drawer) 
I must stop dreaming now. (Opens c. d.) 

ENTER Elliot c. d., and crosses to fireplace. 

Hugh. Good evening, Mr. Elliot. 

Elliot. How are you, Mr, Bronson? 

Hugh. Very curious as to the pocket-book mystery. 

Elliot. Jerry has been to see you? (Sits r.) 

Hugh (sits l.). Yes, and I cannot help feeling he is inno- 
cent. 

Elliot. Well, that remains to be proved. Did he get you 
to witness his deposition? 

Hugh. Yes, I have it here. (Goes to desk) 

Elliot. Ah, that's good. I am very anxious to see it. 
(Crosses l. of desk) 

Hugh (hands it to Elliot). It is rather a curiosity. 

Elliot. When I was calling on Mrs. Richman this afternoon 
she informed me that her gold purse had been returned yes- 
terday empty. 

Hugh. Indeed ! 

Elliot ( taking paper from pocket ) . And I brought the wrap- 
ping paper here to compare the handwriting. 

Hugh. This is growing more interesting. 

Elliot (comparing writing). I cannot find the slightest 
resemblance, can you? (Handing him paper) 

Hugh. None whatever. (Returning paper) 

Elliot. And yet that handwriting looks familiar. I won- 
der if he got somebody to address it? 

Hugh. How much was stolen? 

Elliot. Two tens and a five and fifty-two cents in cash. 

Hugh (after a pause). Ah, I think I have a clue. We will 
have Sherlock Holmes out-Sherlocked ! 

Elliot. What is it? 

Hugh. Read this letter from Milton of the Board of Foreign 
Missions. (Elliot takes and reads letter) 

Elliot. Hum! Twenty-five dollars and fifty-two cents. 
That is quite a coincidence. You don't suppose Jerry had a 
twinge of conscience, and disposed of the money in that way, 
do you? 



Miss Heptune. ^ 21 

Hugh {smiling). My dear Elliot, our friend Jerry, accord- 
ing to his own testimony a short while ago, is not what one 
would call sympathetic with the cause of foreign missions. 
Besides, I think you and I are on the wrong track. 

Elliot (crosses r. and sits). Perhaps we are. But although 
there seems to be a connection between the amount stolen and 
the contribution from Grenville, I cannot unravel the skein. 

Hugh. My dear fellow ! Have you never heard of religious 
fanaticism ? 

Elliot. Why, yes. 

Hugh. Well, I believe a religious fanatic in this congre- 
gation has done this thing. You know a person can go to ex- 
cess in religion — can make it a form of dissipation, and there 
lies the solution of the mystery, I believe. 

Elliot. You mean to say that in the desire to further th3' 
interests of Christianity, a religious person could actually com- 
mit a crime to accomplish his purpose? 

Hugh. I do. It sounds paradoxical, but it is not unprece- 
dented. The question now is, who is the guilty person? 

Elliot (puzzled). This psychological revelation has made 
chaos of my brain. I cannot imagine who this socialistic evan- 
gelist could be. (Bell rings) 

Hugh. Excuse me. (Goes to c. d. Aside). I guess it's time 
to adjust that handkerchief. 

ENTER Mrs. Blunt and Margaret, c. d. 

Hugh (to visitors). How do you do? 

Mrs. B. 1 ^ ^ evening. 

Margaret y 

Mrs. B. Margaret escorted me, as I feared I might take an- 
other tumble. Well, my pride has taken a tumble, and that is 
why I am here to talk to you for a few moments, if I may. 

Hugh. Certainly. Won't you be seated? (Mrs. B. Sits l.) 

Elliot. Permit me to retire. [EXIT l. d. 

Margaret (folloiving Elliot). And me also. [EXIT l. d. 

Mrs. B. Very well. It doesn't matter. (Weeps. Hugh sits 
l. of Mrs. Blunt) I have a confession to make, Mr. Bronson, 
which is hard for me, seein' as I have always been what you 
might call a pillar of the church. 

Hugh. Do not make it, Mrs. Blunt. I think I know the 
cause of your distress. 

Mrs. B. (changed tone). Oh, thank goodness, you do, sir, 



^2 Hiss Neptune. 

and I won't have to make the confession after all. Then you 
know that I, who have always been a good christian woman, 
have performed a very wicked act. 

Hugh. Yes, but I believe that you did not realize what you 
were doing. 

Mrs. B. Indeed I did not. (Weeps) But now, not only I, 
but Grenville, will realize it, and I, the front pillar of the 
church will be lowered to the ground — disgraced. 

Hugh. Oh, no ! 

Mrs. B. {change of tone). But, my Patience! You must be 
a clever man to find out what I had done. Why did you sus- 
pect a real pious christian like me? 

Hugh. From a few facts, and a fair knowledge of human 
nature. You were carried away with your enthusiasm, and in 
your feverish zeal mistook wrong for right. 

Mrs. B. That is just what happened. But I broke the 
eighth commandment to help the blessed cause. ( Weeps ) Will 
I ever be forgiven? 

Hugh. Your heart will answer that in the affirmative, and 
I think there is no doubt there can be a quiet adjustment of 
this mistake inside of the church. 

Mrs. B. You are right about knowin' that the dear Lord will 
forgive me (Weeps) but (Sharply) you are all wrong about 
anything bein' kept quiet in Grenville. 

Hugh. I should like to hear your motive in your own words. 

Mrs. B. (dramatically). Queen Marie said that when she 
died, they would find " Calais " written across her heart and 
likewise " foreign missions " is engraved on mine. 

Hugh. Such devotion does you credit, I am sure. 

Mrs. B. I opened the pocket-book, and knowin' what a stingy 
woman Mrs. Richman was, never subscribin' to anything, I 
made up my mind I would send the money to Mr. Milton, 
and she would be doin' good without a-knowin' of it. 

Hugh. I see. 

Mrs. B. But while she was doing good without a-knowin' of 
it, I was doing bad without a-knowin' of it. Oh, deary me! 
How can I face that woman? (Telephone rings. Aside) I 
wonder if that is the constable? 

Hugh (answering telephone). Hello! Yes, yes, Mr. Elliot 
is here. Yes, Mrs. Richman, I will call him. Hold the wire, 
please. (Goes l. d., calling). Mr. Elliot. Come in, Miss Cam- 
eron. 

ENTER Mr. Elliot and Margabet l. d. 



Miss Neptune. M 

Elliot. Yes? 

Hugh. Mrs. Richman would like to talk to you on the tele- 
phone. 

Elliot. Oh, thank you! (Crosses Vi., Maegaeet f/oes <o Mrs. 
Blunt at r. c. and puts arm around shoulders, comforting her. 
Business of Hugh watching and recognizing Margaret. Elliot 
at telephone) Yes. 

Hugh (aside). "Miss Neptune," at last! 

Elliot. Well, it was a false scent. I will call in a few mo- 
ments with news which I cannot explain here. What was the 
amount, $25.52? What? You say you had just put $10 in the 
plate for the foreign mission collection? 

Mrs. B. Oh, what a fool I was! 

Elliot. All right, Good-bye. (Hangs up receiver) 

Mrs. B. (rising). And may I go with you, Mr Elliot? I 
must face her now, and beg her pardon. 

Elliot. Why yes, if you wish, but Miss Cameron? 

Hugh. I will escort her home, and then I will call at your 
house, Mrs. Blunt and offer you the spiritual aid, which I have 
not had time to give you here. 

Mrs. B. Thank you! Thank you! I do need your help. I 
am only a poor, weak vessel, when I thought I was as strong 
as Samson. 

Hugh. Good night! Good night, Elliot! I have something 
to show Miss Cameron, so do not wait. 

All. Good night! [EXIT Elliot and Mrs. Blunt c. d. 

Hugh. I want to show you something. Won't you sit down? 
Take this large chair. (Ushering her to chair in front of fire- 
place) I spent a week of my vacation at Nantucket this Sum- 
mer. (Margaret looks at him quickly) Have you ever been 
there? 

Margaret. Yes. (Turning atvay her head) 

Hugh. Well, one day I dropped in a souvenier shop where 
the man had some charming photographs. I was looking over 
some beach scenes he had taken, when I came across one of a 
girl diving. Her face did not show plainly, but, being fond of 
water sports, I used to watch this graceful girl dive, so 1 rec- 
ognized the photograph. (Handing it to her) Do you know 
her name? You will see that on the back of the picture, I have 
christened her " Miss Neptune." 

Margaret (looking at photo, confused). Tes, I know her. 
(Handing it lack and smiling) 

Hugh (declining the photograph and lending over her chair). 



24 Miss Heptune. 

But now that I have found my aquatic friend, I cannot keep 
it without her permission. 

Margaret (handing it hack. Indifferently). I am sure I 
would much rather have it in your possession than lying on a 
bargain counter. 

Hugh. You do not appear in the least astonished. Did you 
recognize me at the station? 

Margaret. I suppose a woman's dress changes her appear- 
ance more than a man's, for I recognized you immediately. 

Hugh. How stupid I was ! when I have scrutinized the face 
of every dark-haired girl I have met since, hoping to find my 
water-nymph under her hat. 

Margaret. I never saw you on the beach again. 

Hugh. No, I had to cease dreaming of water-nymphs, and 
return to my work the day after our sail. 

Margaret. We had such an interesting talk that I am afraid 
I hardly thanked you for saving my life. (Telephone rings. 
Hugh makes a gesture of impatience. Margaret crosses l. to 
avoid hearing conversation. Goes to hook-case) 

Hugh. Yes, Mrs. Richman. You say you want me to offi- 
ciate at a quiet ceremony two weeks from to-day? Oh, yes! I 
shall be most happy. You have decided to marry before going 
out to your ranch in Texas? Permit me to wish you happiness. 
Do I know the gentleman? Oh, Mr. Elliot! (Business of Mar- 
garet surprised) Yes, Good-bye. 

Margaret. I hope that is not private as I could not help 
hearing it. 

Hugh (crosses l.). Mrs. Blunt says nothing is private in 
Grenville. I imagined Mr. Elliot was a suitor of yours. 

Margaret. Well, he did bother me a good deal, and I am 
delighted to get him off my mind. 

Hugh. Not your heart? 

Margaret. No indeed! (Crosses r.) I could never fall in 
love with a man like Lester. Why, (Archly) he doesn't even 
know how to swim. 

Hugh (crosses r.). By the way, Margaret, I may call you 
Margaret, may I not? I want a short cut to success in my new 
pastorate. In other words, I want you to retract those resigna- 
tions. Won't you stand by me, and help me in my work? 

Margaret. It is a woman's prerogative to change her mind, 
is it not? 

Hugh. Then you will. (Sits on arm of her chair) Let us 
shake hands on that. (They shake hands, Hugh retaining her 
hand) I have not words in my vocabulary to thank you. Your 



Miss Neptune. 25 

help means everything to me— so much in fact, that I want 
your help for life. Could you give it to me, Margaret' 

Margaeet (permitting Hugh to retain her hand) It is 
rather a long contract, but I believe I could. 

Hugh {embracing her. Music cue: "Hove a lassie." Jump- 
ing up). And woi(j is the time to tie up that bell ! 



QUICK CURTAIN. 



A BUNCH OF ROSES 

A BuRLfisQUE Musical Entertainment, By W, D. FELTiii 

PRICE. 15 CENTS 

Cast of Characters 

Mrs. pHfEBK Ann Ros» . from Kalamato*. 

Prudence Lobelia "\ 
Polly Clorinda fl 

Pameua^ \ th. Bunch of Rose. 

Patience I 

Penelope / 
Lilly 1 

Viol'It \ ............ theRose-hud. 

Sally Sparks . wA* only thinks sor 

Matilda Jane i^e Hired Girl 

Melvin Melrose the Only Young Man on the Spot 

A burlesqTie musical entertainment in t act, by W. D. Falter (author of " The Sweet 
Family," etc.), i male, 13 female characters. Time of performance about lYz hours. 
This is a miscellaneous programme rendered for the benefit of " The Free Ice Fund 
for the Philippine Islanders." It includes various "specialties," living pictures, 
Mother-Goose chorus, etc., and concludes with a burlesque operetta entitled "John- 
MY Jones." The Roses, the Rosebuds and the Only Young Man on the Spot make up 
an entertainment that cannot fail to excite continuous mirth for the better part of an 
evening. The author has produced this burlesque at church entertainments in many 
parts of the country, with unvarying success. 

GERTRUDE MASON, M.D. 

Or, THE LADY DOCTOR 

A Farce in One Act, for Female Characters, By 
L. M. C. Armstrong 

PRICE. 15 CENTS 

Cast of Characters 
Gbrtrudb Mason, M.D a young Physician 

^^jjrGH^r"""^ '-'"".n^ 

Miss Janb SiMPKiNS a Spinster 0/ Uncertain Age 

Mrs. Van Style • . • . one of the '''' 400' 

NoRAH ..•••••••••• Dr. Mason's Cook 

Marie • a Lady^s Maid 

Time.— The Present. Place.— New York. 
Time of Representation.— Thirty Minutes. 

An exceedingly bright piece for young ladies, in which young Dr. Gertrude, 
already a victim of circumstances, is made the victim of a practical joke. The scenes 
with Mrs. Van Style., who mistakes the doctor for a pawnbroker, and Miss Jane 
Simpkins^ who brings a sick dog to be cured, are hilarious, while Nora., an Irish cook, 
is deliciously droll. The cook is the star of the piece, but all the personages jwe 
vivacious and every situation bristles with fun. 



PRISONER OF ANDERSONVILLE 

A Military Comedy-Drama in Four Acts, by CHARLES WALCOTT RUSSEU 

Price, 25 Cents 

Ten male (two may double), three female characters, and a child about five years 
of age, viz. : Leading juvenile man, heavy, second heavy, light comedy, two low 
comedians, strong old man, negro comedian, leading juvenile lady, walking lady and 
negro girl comedian. One interior scene ; three exteriors, two of them closely similar. 
Time of playing, two hours and a quarter. An excellent play, as all the parts are good 
and evenly divided. Five comedy parts make it lively enough for any audience. The 
leading parts are strongly drawn yet easily handled. A play of the Civil War that 
will arouse no ill-feeling North or South. Professional stage rights reserved. Amateur 
production free. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS 

Act I.— The dance at Verley's house. The mysterious hand, disappearance of she 
ice-cream and Bingo's dilemma. ^ Teena's ingenious explanation. Dupr6's courting 
and Kate Preston's defence of Elliott. Bingo and Teena, Dupre accuses Elliott of 
cheating at cards. Dupre persistent, and Elliott's disgrace. 

Act II. — The Federal Camp. Mickey Free loses a finger. Elliott arrives with 
dispatches. Dupre's endeavor to obtain them. Elliott's arrest for assaulting his 
superior officer, Dupre. Rescue of Marjorie. Heroism. 

Act III. — Dupre's mean revenge. Kate's defence of Confederate generals, 
Elliott's rescue of his Company's flag. " Sheridan's Cavalry never retreats!'' Preston 
a prisoner of war. Elliott in charge of dispatches to Gen. Grant. Dupre accuses 
Elliott of having served time in prison. "Yes, Victor Dupre, I spent two months of 
my life in the military prison of Andersonville." Honor. 

Act IV. — Sally Verley's jealousy. Preston's explanation. Elliott prepares for 
taking the dispatches to General Grant. The loaded cigar. Teena's assignation and 
Bingo's opportunity. Preston refuses to steal the dispatches. Dupre's determination 
overheard by Kate. " The dispatches have been stolen!" Detection of Dupre. 
Elliott's vindication. The dispatches unnecessary. " General Lee has surrendered." 

WHATS NEXT? 

A Farce-Comedr in Three Acts, by BOB VATT 

Price, 25 Cents 



Seven male, four female characters, with four utility parts to be doubled by the 
preceding. If desired, a lot of school children can be worked into the first act. Two 
interior scenes. School Room and Parlor; easily staged ; can be played in any hall. 
Time of playing, two hours and a half. A "specialty" play that is simply three acts 
of laugh. Has a first-rate leading soubrette role (Country Girl). Audiences will 
giggle over this play for a month and then want to see it played again. 
SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS 

Act I,— The Bogtown District School. Chub's story. Scheme No. 1. ** Have 
you a week-da)'^ and a Sunday name? " Poke's Pine Potion. The compact. Polly's 
first lesson in love. One of the deestrict school board. Visitors. " Washington 
crossing the Alps.'_' Scheme No. 2. The school examination. Zeph makes a sensa- 
tion. The young idea out shooting. "Danged if it ain't like the circus! " 

Act II.— Moses Madder's Studio in New York. A domestic set-to. Willie 
comes in, in a hurry. " Bwing on the girl and the minister." Polly paralyzes the 
dude. "You're a pretty^ good liar, ain't you?" Hiring a "boomer. Chub and 
Polly. Gertie gets gushing. _ Timothy Trenwith, from Texas. Zeph has another 
conniption. Getting some points from the widow. A jolly row in the house, Willie 
gets left. Madder's schemes grow shaky. "First scalp for Zeph ! " 

Act III. — Scene as Before. A flattering arrangement. " Look here, 1 ain't no 
angel!" Polly's plan. Willie in trouble again. Gertie and the widow have another 
tiff. Another scheme smashed. Mary Ann Fogarty on the servant question. Gertie 
catches a man at last. "The circus is going to begin." Willie runs amuck with wan 
av the foinest. Madder's masterpiece. The "boomer" takes a trick. "I'm as happy 
as ef I owned the hull State of Texas I " Gertie on the warpath. " O Chub, that 
kerflumuxes me I" Willie and the widow. "I've got a little lie and I can't teU ff 
hatchet." The last scheme knocked in the head. *' What's Nsan:?*' 



OAK FARM 

COMEDY DRAMA IN THREE ACTS 

By ANTHONY E. WILLS 
PRICE 25 CENTS 

Seven male, four female characters, being first old man, leading man, 
comedy, character heavy, three comedy characters; first old lady, leading 
lady and two lady comedy characters. Time of playing, 2^/2 hours. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 

Act I. — Scene, room in the Weatherby home. Oak Farm. Donald 
departs for college. The farm mortgaged. Donald and Helen betrothed. 
The rain agent. Joel and Sally. Prune, postmaster and money lender. 

Act II. — Scene, the same, three years later. The intercepted letters. 
"Why does not Donald write?" The old maid's suitors. Prune's rascality. 
The mortgage due. 

Act III. — Same scene, two months later. Prune unmasked. The old 
maid's stratagem. The stranger's offer declined. "I am Donald." Joy at 
Oak Farm. 



ESCAPED FROM THE LAW 

COMEDY DRAMA IN FIVE ACTS 

By C WALCOTT RUSSELL 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

Seven male, five female characters. The owner of a factory, his super- 
intendent, a French scientist, a physician, an English kbor agitator, gardener 
and butler. The owner's wife and daughter, his partner's widow, a maid- 
servant, a neighbor and a policeman. A labor agitator's plot to promote a 
strike and burn the owner's house. Time of playing, zYz hours. 3 interior 
and I exterior scenes. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 

Act I. — Morning. The Irishman and the anarchist. The doctor recog- 
nizes and exposes the woman from Martinique. 

Act II. — Evening. A wife's confession. Flight. 

Act III. — Three weeks later. The dying child. One of Nature's noble- 
men. The plot to burn the factory. "Your silence or your life." 

Act IV. — The widow and the superintendent. The house surrounded 
by rioters. The telegraph message. The wires cut. 

Act V. — A wife's sacrifice and husband's remorse. The rioters dis- 
persed. Home and love once more. 




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MILITARY PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

M. r. 

BX THE ENEMY'S HAND. 4 Acts; 2 hours 10 4 

EDWARDS, THE SPY. 5 Acts; 2i^ hours 10 4 

PRISONER OF ANDERSON VILLE. 4 Acts; 214 hours.. 10 4 

CAPTAIN DICK. 3 Acts; li^ hours 9 6 

ISABEL., THE PEARL OP CUBA. 4 Acts; 2 hours 9 3 

LITTLE SAVAGE. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting. 4 4 

BY FORCE OP IMPULSE. (15 cents.) 5 Acts; 2^ hours 9 3 

BETWEEN TWO FIRES. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2 hours 8 3 



RURAL PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

MAN PROM MAINE. 5 Acts; 2^ hours 9 3 

AMONG THE BERKSHIRES. 3 Acts; 2J4 hours 8 4 

OAK FARM. 3 Acts; 21^ hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 4 

GREAT TVINTERSON MINE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 4 

SQUIRE THOMPKINS' DAUGHTER. 5 Acts; 2]4 hours 5 2 

T^HEN A MAN'S SINGLE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 4 4 

PROM PUNKIN RIDGE. (15 cents.) 1 Act; Ihour... 6 3 

LETTER FROM HOME. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 25 minutes 1 1 



ENTERTAINMENTS 

25 CENTS EACH 

AUNT DINAH'S QUILTING PARTY. 1 Scene 5 11 

BACHELOR MAIDS' REUNION. 1 Scene 2 30 

IN THE FERRY HOUSE. 1 Scene; IJ^ hours 19 1.5 

JAPANESE WEDDING. 1 Scene; 1 hour 3 10 

MATRIMONIAL EXCHANGE. 2 Acts; 2 hours 6 9 

OLD PLANTATION NIGHT. 1 Scene; 1^ hours 4 4 

YE VILLAGE SKEWL OF LONG AGO. 1 Scene. 13 13 

FAMILIAR FACES OF A FUNNY FAMILY 8 11 

JOLLY BACHELORS. Motion Song or Recitation 11 

CHRISTMAS MEDLEY. 30 minutes 15 14 

EASTER TIDINGS. 20 minutes 8 

BUNCH OF ROSES. (15 cents.) 1 Act; li^ hours 1 13 

OVER THE GARDEN WALL. (15 cents)... II 



DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N.Y. 




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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




017 401 087 



COMEDIES AND 

25 CENTS EACH 

M. V. 

BREAKING HIS BON^DS. 4 Acts; 2 hours 6 3 

BUTTERNUT'S BRIDE. 3 Acts; 2i^ hours 11 6 

COIiLiEGE CHUMS. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 9 3 

COUNT OF NO ACCOUNT. 3 Acts; SJ^ hours 9 4 

DEACON. 5 Acts; 21^ hours 8 6 

DELEGATES FROM DEIsT^ER. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 3 10 

DOCTOR BY COURTESY. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 5 

EASTSIDERS, Tlie. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 8 4 

ESCAPED FROM THE LAW. 5 Acts; 2 hours 7 4 

GIRIi FROM PORTO RICO. 3 Acts; 2^ hours 5 3 

GYPSY QUEEN. 4 Acts; 23^ hours 5 3 

IN THE ABSENCE OF SUSAN; 3 Acts; 1^ hours 4 6 

JAILBIRD. 5 Acts; 21^ hours...., , 6 3 

JOSIAH'S COURTSHIP. 4 Acts; 2 hours.... 7 4 

MY LADY DARRELL. 4 Acts; 2^ hours 9 6 

MY UNCLE FROM INDIA. 4 Acts; 2J^ hours. 13 4 

NEXT DOOR. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 4 

PHYLLIS'S INHERITANCE. 3Acts; 2hourH 6 9 

REGULAR FLIRT. 3 Acts; 2 hours 4 4 

ROGUE'S LUCK. 3 Acts; 8 hours 5 3 

SQUIRE'S STRATAGEM. 5 Acts; 2}^ hours 6 4 

STEEL KING. 4 Acts; 2J^ hours 5 3 

WHAT'S NEXT? 3 Acts; 23^ hours., 7 4 

WHITE LIE. 4Act8; 2i^ hours 4 8 



1. 

J7 0^ 




WESTERN PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

ROCKY FORD. 4 Acts; 2 hours 

GOLDEN GULCH. 3 Acts; 2^ hours 11 

RED ROSETTE. 3Acts;2hours 

MISS MOSHER OF COLORADO. 4 Acts; 2i^ hours... 5 
STUBBORN MOTOR CAR. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 
CRAWFORD'S CLAIM. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2^ hours. 

DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y. 



